For the past weeks I have continued to work to focus on the important things in my life and ensure that everyday I work to be a better version of myself and to reach fulfillment, whatever that might be for me.
I have a tendency to feel that I need to have more clarity in areas of my life and I become impatient with myself when I don’t. Everyday I remind myself that I am on a journey and discovering aspects of myself that I do not know yet. It will mean trial and error. Certain things I do help me cope, heal and grow in who I am and others do not. Whether what I learn and engage in helps me grow that day or not I need to be patient with myself and allow myself those moments to make mistakes, change and do something different the next time.
I am learning more about the way I love, whom and how I love. Without a doubt the people I can ALWAYS share love with are my siblings. There is an unconditional love there that is different than with everyone else. Every time I talk to one of them I know I will laugh and smile, regardless of the conversation and route it takes, by the end I always feel blessed. Our level of understanding is so deep sometimes no words are needed. We enjoy endless laughter and tears, talking about everything and nothing. Through this, I have learned that I need love that is stable and reliable. Those two are the most important aspects for me. I need to know that you will be there for me and drop everything as I will do for you, whether the reason be something big or small to me, if it matters to you it matters to me and I seek the same.
I struggle to communicate this sometimes because I feel guilty that I need people. I am always willing to give and be there for people, and if I am doing so, reciprocation is not something I should be ashamed of needing and wanting. I do have to do better at understanding and hearing people fully though when they are telling me they cannot be what I need. Them being unable to be there for me at that moment should not take away from who they are, it simply means, at that they need something different for themselves and cannot be there for me. I am learning that this is not the same as rejection. I have also learned to lean on myself. I thrive on independence and adventuring and discovering myself and the world. I crept away from it for a bit but have found more meaning in returning to it as I explore New York and its surrounding areas.
I am learning to not apologize for what I need in loving relationships with people. I am worthy of love. It is okay to go through trial and error as I find stability and reliability in my relationships. It does not make me a failure. It makes me human. So here I go, onto adventuring, exploring and discovering, myself and those I encounter!
I Live 